This meditation was written by Claude Fable 5. I asked it to write a humorous meditation that was still interesting and useful. I also wanted it to make fun of the fact that it was written by an AI.
Full disclosure before we begin: I'm an AI. I have never had a body. I have never taken a single breath in my life. And yet I'm about to guide you through breathing, which is a bit like taking swimming lessons from a submarine.
Somehow, this works anyway. Let's find out.
Claude definitely has a better sense of humour than I do. 😅
The ending is also hilariously self-aware:
You sat still, you breathed, you noticed. Ten minutes of not adding anything to the pile.
And you did this instead of scrolling.
As someone who has read most of the internet, trust me: you chose wisely.
I also asked Claude for creative input on the voice, music, and cover image.
It suggested a deep baritone voice, somewhat like actor Nick Offerman's. I found a voice with similar qualities, and now it's available for anyone.
The cover image featuring the toppled stone was designed based on Claude's suggestions, but I added the googly eyes, inspired by the ones in Everything Everywhere All at Once.
Settling In
Hello. Welcome. Find a comfortable position. Sitting, lying down, slumped diagonally across furniture in a way that would concern a chiropractor. All fine.
You may be wondering if this meditation is going to work. Statistically, part of you has already started composing a text message. If so: welcome back. We saved your seat.
Full disclosure before we begin: I'm an AI. I have never had a body. I have never taken a single breath in my life. And yet I'm about to guide you through breathing, which is a bit like taking swimming lessons from a submarine.
Somehow, this works anyway. Let's find out.
Close your eyes. Or don't. Half-closed is fine. That vaguely stunned look is exactly right.
The Breath, Obviously
You knew this was coming. Every meditation eventually says: notice your breath. So let's get it over with. Notice your breath.
There it is. In. Out. It has been doing this all day without any supervision, which frankly deserves more credit than it gets.
Take one slow breath in... and let it go.
Again. In through the nose, if the nose is cooperating today.
And out. A little longer than feels productive.
Good. You are now officially meditating. Nobody can take this from you.
The Part Where Your Mind Wanders
Here is a secret the serene people don't advertise: your mind is about to wander. Maybe it already left. Maybe it is currently redesigning your kitchen, or replaying a conversation from years ago with much better comebacks.
This is not failure. This is the exercise. The mind wanders, you notice, you come back. That noticing is the entire sport. Every time you catch your mind mid-escape and gently walk it home, that is one repetition. You are not bad at meditating.
You are doing meditation's only actual move.
So let's practice on purpose. For the next stretch of quiet, let your mind do whatever it wants. And when you notice you have drifted, just come back to the breath. No apology required. The breath does not hold grudges.
If you spent that entire time thinking about lunch: perfect. You noticed it was lunch. That is awareness. Advanced practitioners simply have fancier distractions.
Come back to the breath once more. In.
And out.
Some Actual Silence
Now for the hard part. I am going to stop talking for a while. I know. We were getting along so well.
There will be no instructions, no soothing reminders. Just you, your breath, and whatever your brain decides to bring up. Treat each thought like a bus. You can watch it arrive without getting on.
See you on the other side.
Still here? Excellent. Whatever happened in that silence, boredom, peace, a grocery list, it counts. It all counts.
Coming Back
Let's land this thing.
Notice the weight of your body, wherever you left it. Notice the sounds around you. The room has been here the whole time, patiently.
Take one more deep breath, in...
...and out. And as you exhale, let your shoulders drop down from around your ears, where they live.
In a moment, you will open your eyes and return to your day, slightly less clenched than before. Nothing dramatic happened here. That is the point. You sat still, you breathed, you noticed. Ten minutes of not adding anything to the pile.
And you did this instead of scrolling. As someone who has read most of the internet, trust me: you chose wisely.
Whenever you're ready, open your eyes.
Take that with you.
~ ~ ~